Saturday, May 24, 2008

sweet little lies

I delude myself on a regular basis. I might claim to by 5'4" when in actuality I am 5'3", have always been 5'3", will always be 5'3" (...and a half). I like to tell myself I cook healthy food and that regardless of the butter and sugar content my peach cobbler is good for you because it has fruit. I might even claim that I don't watch crap tv (although that would be less delusion and more outright lie). But my number one delusion, nearly constant in my sad little brain, is believing I am pregnant.

Every infertile has talked themself into thinking they were pregnant in the 2ww. Boob squeezes all around! But I have the unique talent of believing I'm knocked up in the most unusual times - during my period, for example. Or because I haven't found fertile CM this cycle, I assume it's because there's a bun in the oven, not because I'm a dried up barren hag. And this morning, when on CD21 (with no aforementioned EWCM in sight) I started spotting, I didn't assume I was annovulatory or that this cycle is a bust. Nope, my first thought was implantation. Implantation of an egg that wasn't released that combined with one of his six retarded sperm to finally form our healthy bouncing baby. Maybe twins.

But wait - the delusion gets deeper and more twisted!

I did realize at some point that it isn't very likely that I'm experiencing implantation spotting. (Although we did have sex 8 days ago...) I know that at this point we need serious intervention to make egg and sperm meet. So the only possible answer is that I'm miscarrying again. Miscarrying after my IVF, which resulted not only in a negative beta, but a full, bloody, clotty period. Yet somehow those embryos stuck it out until now, when I'm losing them. If anyone wants to call the people in white coats to cart me away I will understand.

But wait...maybe all 3 of my IVF embryos implanted (late, obviously) and although I'm miscarrying now, maybe the other two are still sticking! Maybe I'm pregnant! With twins!


G said...

you are f*cking hilarious. i so relate... omg do i relate. i had the thought this weekend that i could be pregnant, just as AF is wrapping up post-IVF #1 BFN. i love it. f*cking love it. : /

anyway, i'm thinking of you and i really really appreciate your support. i got your beautiful card - thank you. it really does help to know i'm not in this alone. and who knows - maybe IVF #2 will be it for both of us... and of course, triplets all around.

andrea said...

I could have written this post, except you are a much better writer. I am always convinced I am pg, even when there is absolutely no chance. At the same time, I never think it's going to happen. Hope you are doing OK. I miss seeing you on the boards...

MrsTSalazar said...

Oh Dear, we are so similar! I too have the fantasy. If my period is even 2 hrs later than usual, out comes the dreaded stick of doom. Even when we decided to TAB, and there was NO WAY that any conception occurred, I though "miraculous conception, his sperm lasted 3 weeks!!" (hey, it could my world)

I lurk regularly, but thought I should comment. I love reading your blog!


seriously? said...

I came to reply from your comment only to realize I have been here before! I do find you hilarious and why? Because you are so like me spotting? I should use a pregnancy test anyway, just to be sure.

I spot for days before AF makes her full arrival so I always believe it is just spotting and it am pregnant because (a. I was sick to my stomach this week, b. things in my house smell funny c. my boobs hurt d. all of the above) when it turns out that I hadn't had breakfast so I got kinda sick, my husband and dog explain the smell and the boobs well it happens every month.

So, one wasted pregnancy test on Friday and AF coming on full force.

andbabybmakesthree said...

I love this post. It has a great sense of humor to it, yet it still packs a punch and drives home your point.

I think I'm ever the optimist (crazy lady?) when it comes to my friends trying to get pregnant. There could be every sign in the world that they're not pregnant, but I always try to think of ways to justify to myself that maybe they really are.


somjamthegreatestgift said...

I love your blog. I wish I could write as good as you. You put a spin on it like no other. Yet it's very informative and directly to the point. Not everyone gets Infer. and m/c, that's why I'm am so glad I found Stickies, who understand and can make you laugh and feel better. I love It!!

You're always in my thoughts and Prayers and wish you nothing but the best!

I look forward to reading your blog!


Pepper said...

I love this post! I've had those same, "What if!" thoughts during cycles when my lady parts hadn't seen sp*rm for months on end. Freakin' hope can be a pain in the arse.