I delude myself on a regular basis. I might claim to by 5'4" when in actuality I am 5'3", have always been 5'3", will always be 5'3" (...and a half). I like to tell myself I cook healthy food and that regardless of the butter and sugar content my peach cobbler is good for you because it has fruit. I might even claim that I don't watch crap tv (although that would be less delusion and more outright lie). But my number one delusion, nearly constant in my sad little brain, is believing I am pregnant.
Every infertile has talked themself into thinking they were pregnant in the 2ww. Boob squeezes all around! But I have the unique talent of believing I'm knocked up in the most unusual times - during my period, for example. Or because I haven't found fertile CM this cycle, I assume it's because there's a bun in the oven, not because I'm a dried up barren hag. And this morning, when on CD21 (with no aforementioned EWCM in sight) I started spotting, I didn't assume I was annovulatory or that this cycle is a bust. Nope, my first thought was implantation. Implantation of an egg that wasn't released that combined with one of his six retarded sperm to finally form our healthy bouncing baby. Maybe twins.
But wait - the delusion gets deeper and more twisted!
I did realize at some point that it isn't very likely that I'm experiencing implantation spotting. (Although we did have sex 8 days ago...) I know that at this point we need serious intervention to make egg and sperm meet. So the only possible answer is that I'm miscarrying again. Miscarrying after my IVF, which resulted not only in a negative beta, but a full, bloody, clotty period. Yet somehow those embryos stuck it out until now, when I'm losing them. If anyone wants to call the people in white coats to cart me away I will understand.
But wait...maybe all 3 of my IVF embryos implanted (late, obviously) and although I'm miscarrying now, maybe the other two are still sticking! Maybe I'm pregnant! With twins!