Thursday, May 22, 2008

eternal not-quite-a-pessimist

Believe it or not, I spend a lot of time trying to be ok with our baby situation. Trying to understand that while it's painful and so so tiring, we're really doing ok in the end and have a lot to be thankful for. I even try to see the good in our infertility sometimes, although let's be honest - it's not easy to think positively about a needle poking through your vaginal wall to assault your bloated ovaries...and paying for it!

I'd like to say that I try to keep an optimistic outlook so that I am a whole, complete human being. But mostly it's so that I'm not a hypocrite when I complain about others' incessant whining.

A girl I know (and foolishly considered a friend for a brief length of time) got knocked up, reportedly while on birth control. She has since spent every moment complaining about how miserable she is that she's pregnant. She's not breathed a single happy word about her pregnancy. Hasn't shared a single positive thought. I believe that unwanted pregnancies can be as difficult on the mother-to-be as infertility is on a woman who dreams of a baby that isn't to be. I understand being confused and scared. But at some point we all need to get a grip and accept what is instead of what could have been. She may not have made the decision to get pregnant, but she did make a decision to stay pregnant. Maybe it's time to stop resenting the situation. Stop looking at the pregnancy as undesired, such a burden, a parasite and start respecting the child that's growing.

And for crying out f'ing loud, maybe now isn't the time to say "I got really down about how long it could potentially be until we adopt". It's great that you dream of adopting. It's great that you have the resources to "just adopt". But for fucks sake - you have a child living inside you who you've done nothing but complain about. Can we not shift focus a bit? Can we not try and be a little glass half full?

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know the person you are talking about...and rest assured, she loves her natural child as much as any mother loves their children. However, she also mourns the loss of another child.

Just as you've spent your entire life dreaming of having your very own child grow inside you, this person has spent her entire life dreaming of rescuing and adopting a child from the other side of the world. Having her own children was never in her plans. She has every right to be devastated the loss of her adopted child that had already began preparing paperwork for....and just because she is devastated at her loss doesn't mean she doesn't love her natural child more than anything.

A mother's love knows no bounds.

Anonymous said...

Instead of focusing your anger about your situation on other people like this woman, you might do better to focus on your experience. I suffer(ed) from infertility, and I cannot imagine lashing out publicly at someone like this. You are a huge hypocrite.

Jennifer said...

Actually, I think it's time to shift YOUR focus to YOUR OWN life and stop criticizing the circumstances, decisions, and feelings of others. Please remember that this is a public post and your words may be hurting others more than they are helping you.

Anonymous said...

I actually have lost two pregnancies but that doesn't mean I need to be a a complete bitter
b!tch. Seriously, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Many women have trouble conceiving you ar not the only one. This person dreamt of adopting just as you dreamt of having a natural child.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're hurting. It's a pain I can't imagine.

But it's not right or fair to project your anger and frustration onto someone else. You have no insight into her deep feelings and emotions. You have no idea what her experience with pregnancy is.

Each person experiences pregnancy differently. I'd say even the same person can experience two different pregnancies differently.

I tried to get pregnant and couldn't imagine the depths of despair I would feel the moment my HPT turned positive. I cried myself to sleep that night. The depression I felt was very real and it lasted for the duration of my first trimester. My second trimester was easier but there were still days that I had to force myself out of bed, the emotions were so difficult. By my third trimester, I was so filled with anger, I wasn't sure if I would ever forgive my husband.

And this was a pregnancy I wanted and had tried for.

I now have a beautiful little girl that I love more than life itself. My husband is a spectacular father. Things are terrific. But I also know that I will never venture to be pregnant again. Despite the physical ease in which I carried, the emotional turmoil was too great.

Do not judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.

You're hurting and it's a hurt you don't deserve but posting accusations and judgements about another woman and her pregnancy will not heal your hurts. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are going through. Someone accidentally getting pregnant & coming across bitter about it must be a huge kick in the gut. I'm sure it feels like she did this to you in some way. I know you're a smartlady & you don't really think that way. But I bet it felt great to get that out in writing. If I were you in the situation, I would probably have been a lot less nice about it.

I think you're a wonderful person. Someday you are going to be a wonderful mother. You're in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

You have every right to be upset about this person's situation. You were venting on YOUR OWN BLOG and do not deserve to be attacked for saying what you felt.

If someone TRULY does not want their own biological children, you would think they would take more drastic measures to make sure an "oops" wouldn't happen. Why was abortion not an option at the beginning for her if being pregnant makes her so unhappy?

You are in my prayers that you and your husband will be blessed with your own children someday soon.

Anonymous said...

Things happen. I am assuming you and a previous poster are both grown women so I am also assuming that you know, birth control cant fail, even with 100% perfect use.

I feel for what you're going through but I don't think you have the right to judge her or take this out on her in a place where she can read it. This makes no one but you look bad. I can't imagine lashing out at someone so publicly.

Anonymous said...

I know this person you are commenting about ~ actually a lot of people know who she is and this public humiliation strategy is pretty tacky. This is your own blog thus you are 'authorized' to write whatever you like. What you wrote is not true. She has never said that this pregnancy was a burden or unwanted. I have no idea where you got this idea. As far as other people questioning why she did not have an abortion is even more tacky than your suggestion that she doesn't want this child.

Anonymous said...

Just to clarify to the above comment(s).

This woman definitely wants her child and has never once mentioned to anyone on our board that she did not WANT her child. She expressed sadness over her inability to adopt a child from China because the laws state that an adopted child cannot be in the same home as another child under the age of 18 months. So, her adoption plans are prolonged....which devastates her because she feels like some child out there will not get a chance to have a loving home because of her pregnancy. Surely anyone out there in blog-land can see her plight. Happiness for her baby but devastation for the child out there that SHOULD have been adopted but now may go without a home.

The insinuation that this woman does not WANT her child and does not love it is very off base, hurtful, and rude.

I agree with the other comments that suggesting this woman have an abortion is just plain tacky and disgusting.

Anonymous said...

I know who you are talking about as well, it does come across in "our world" as if she is unhappy about her pregnancy. Her perceived attitude bothers me, I'm sure it kills you. Unlike some of the previous commenters, I don't think she has experienced a loss equal or comprable to yours.

Anonymous said...

it's her feelings on the matter about this other girl. this is her blog, she can write what she wants. if this is how it seems to her, she's allowed to voice that feeling. if you don't like it, don't read it, and don't bash her for writing it. no names were named, the innocent are web protected. get over it girls.
amber. keep writing.

Anonymous said...

I am thankful that the above poster knows this person in cyyber space but i can tell you that i know her in reality. Her loss is devastating to her just as your "losses" are devastating to you.

Just this morning on BBC America news they talked about the multitude of children who now are without families.

Can we not shift focus to those in dire need?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, but I don't think it was tacky to mention abortion. I also don't think it was meant in a malicious way.

It was asked why she didn't have one early on. Abortion can be an option for an unwanted pregnancy, regardless of where you stand on the issue. I truly don't think they were suggesting she have one now.

She obviously made the decision not to have one and to keep the baby, so it would appear that she wants it, and it would make abortion a moot point.

It's not fair for others to compare her situation with yours at all. After all, she will still be able to adopt after 18 months. In the grand scheme of things, this is a minor setback for her.

Anonymous said...

Coming from the land of nesties, I see where you are coming from regarding the person you are referring to in this blog. I have also wondered if she is in the least bit excited about her pregnancy, as nothing has been said positively regarding it. I also understand her disappointment in not immediately being able to adopt as soon as she originally planned. I guess the theme here is patience. Or so it is as I see it. I agree with the posters above that say that this is your blog, post as you please. I hope that each of you can find peace & happiness in your lives.

Anonymous said...

wow, i've never seen someone displace their own personal frustrations as rudely as you've displaced yours. i also know the person to whom you are referring - she's one of the sweetest people i know. and just like you, the life she was planning on has hit a setback.

she's keeping this child because she does love it and does want it even if it wasn't in the master plan - not that it's any of your business - but is truly so difficult for you to see that her dream of adopting a baby and giving it a loving home has been put on hold and it's a bit hard to swallow? the same way that your infertility as a woman who's dreamed of having her own children is hard to swallow? it just never ceases to amaze me how quickly women are to criticize another woman.

i'm very sorry for the pain you are going through in your personal endeavors, but reaching out to attack someone who's side you clearly don't understand is nothing short of pathetic.

yes, this is your own blog and you're free to write as you wish, but posting the link on a common board where everyone can figure out who you're talking about is the same as just naming her. you owe someone an apology.

Anonymous said...

For those suggesting she should have had an abortion is just downright rude and unbelievable. She never said she did not want her baby. She is disappointed that her dream to adopt will be postponed, surely you can understand that. Yes life is cruel and sometimes you wish for what others have, but until you are in their shoes you really can't imagine what they are going through. You should start focusing on the positives in your own life and stop using someone else to lash out all of your negativity and frustrations on. I can't believe you would write so openly about someone we all know and then link to it on a public message board for all to see.

Anonymous said...

I'd say this many anonymous posts attacking the author on her own blog is rather passive aggressive, don't you think?

Anonymous said...

I think that any time you spend a great deal of your life planning for one specific thing to be the center of your universe, it's difficult to reset your vision when life throws you that curve ball you had not planned for. Sometimes it's difficult to even halfway consider resetting your vision.

I also think that resentment or hurtling of anger toward one specific target is counterproductive... It has certainly never worked for me, no matter how hard I've tried.

The question isn't whether it is right or wrong of you to feel this way, or to say these hurtful things about the woman who accidentally became pregnant. That is completely beside the point. The question is where are you going from here? Are you going to keep digging in this pit of despair with blatant envy of those who have what you think you want/need/deserve... or are you going to choose to look up to the sun and find a way to climb out, molding your path in a new unexpected way?

Every morning you wake up with a clean slate. Choose to see silver linings and the possibiliites of beauty where you haven't looked for it before.

Or choose to look for injustice. It's up to you... and only you.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through another blog. This post (and it's comments) led me to want to say something to you as well.

Your losses are your losses. And you have every right to mourn them. Just as you have every right to write what you want in YOUR BLOG. The whole point of a blog is to write out YOUR feelings, thoughts, and what you are going through. Be they positive or negative, toward somebody or toward something. And you are feeling anger right now. That's part of the infertility process, and something that you must face and deal with on a daily basis. And it's ok, natural and your right.

It's also ok to feel that way about a particular individual, and to write about it on your blog. No one has to like everyone. And her pregnancy causing her loss (and though hers is a loss it is a different type of loss as there was no specific child to be adopted identifed yet) may reflect how she's behaving during this time. Some people just never are happy during their pregnancy, and when their baby is born they change their tune. Maybe that will happen to her.

I can see how it can be hard for you. I've been in your shoes before. And miscarriages and trouble trying to concieve do impact your life and influence the way you see and feel about some people. For some people who face infertility issues it is hard to see someone pregnant, have an "oopsie", or even to attend a baby shower or see babies in daily life. And it can be especially hard when someone who never planned or wanted to be pregnant does become pregnant. Or when people who became pregnant so easily complain. They don't understand what you are going through (even though they say they do, or even if some want to, they really can't understand unless they've been there themselves).

Things like this (attacks from others) do happen here in blog land. I've had it happen on my blog and seen it happen on others. Don't take it personally and don't let it get to you. It'll all blow over eventually.

Good luck in your journey.

Anonymous said...

Have you considered adoption yourself?

Anonymous said...

This is your blog, your personal journal. You have every right to say how you feel. You have every right to be angry, sad, happy, or any other emotion. I don't see anything wrong with what you posted as it is your thoughts. I actually admire you for being able to open your heart for the world to see.

I have a friend that struggled for a long time with infertility. She said one of the hardest things for her was having her neighbor (who she loved) come over almost every Saturday to ask her to watch her children for her so her and her husband could go out. It hurt my friend so much because in her head she thought, if I had children I wouldn't drop them off every Saturday I would take them places as a family. Silly thought, but it ate at my friend's core.

People need to wake up and stop taking things so personally and stop asking you to shift your focus and be positive. It's hard to stay sunny side up when it's always raining.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

First of all this writer of the blog has every right in the world to post whatever the hell she pleases. Its her blog and she can vent.

If you don't like it, don't read it.

Second it must make the writer feel pretty horrible to know someone who was trying to prevent getting pregnant gets pregnant and then tells the whole world about it. I can't imagine what the writer of this blog is going through.

Give her a break. This is her own damn blog and she can complain all she wants.

Obviously they used to be friends so something must have gone wrong for the writer not to be friends with the pregnant girl anymore. I don't know what happened but someone found out someone else's true colors.

I don't know who mentioned abortion but I don't believe it was the writer.

Anonymous said...

I think to attack the writer because she is being honest with her feelings is wrong. It's her blog and she can write whatever she chooses. If people don't like it then don't read it. I too think the pregnant girl is very negative and seems to not be happy about being pregnant and not by just one or two comments she posted. It seems to be a recurring theme with her. So what if she can't adopt for 18 months, she will be able to eventually and then she can have her adopted child and biological child. So it takes longer then she wanted, not the end of the world as she is making it seem. At least she can have both. Some woman can't. Her loss is nothing compared to the writers and for those of you to say it is, doesn't know the first thing about IF.

Anonymous said...

I don't think this blogger did anything wrong. After all it is HER blog and HER place to state HER opinions. If you don't like what is in it, then don't read it. I for one find the writer to be very open and honest and her posts to be very well written! I can only wish I was as well spoken as she is.

Anonymous said...

It IS her blog and she CAN write whatever she wants. But when she links her blog up to a board where the person who is the subject matter of the not-so-nice blog is a member of, it is tacky and rude.

She can write whatever she wants on her blog...but when you put your thoughts out into cyberspace, you better be prepared for some backlash.

Anonymous said...

I agree that you are entitled to post anything you want in your personal blog - but you should expect some backlash if you give a link to that blog to a bunch of girls when you know the pg girl is among them and so are many of her friends.

That being said, I agree that pg girl does seem miserable about the pregnancy. Her other issues that may be the cause of her unhappiness (adoption issues) are not expressed on the board, so it just seems to everyone that she is unhappy with being pregnant.

Sometimes people don't realize how they sound on a message board. While your friends IRL know you and what is going on behind the scenes, everyone else only sees you in bits and pieces. If all of your bits and pieces are negative and unhappy, what do you expect people to think?

Maybe this incident will open her eyes to that?

Anonymous said...

For what its worth, I agree with what you wrote. I find it horrible the way that you are now being bashed. As always, it seems that the heard sticks together and now unfortunatly they have turned on you. I say good for you for saying out loud what I'm sure a lot of us have been thinking. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey.

Anonymous said...

I truly agree with you. I knew exactly who you were talking about in a matter of seconds. The pg girl has been negative from day 1 about her pregnancy and has made it clear she's not thrilled about it. So boo hoo she has to wait 18 months to adopt, cry me a river. At least she has that opportunity in the future and has the choice. I think every child, planned or not is a blessing and she should be thankful rather than so negative about it. Although she just seems negative in general if you ask me.

Bottom line, it's YOUR blog, and you are entitled to write your feelings if you choose. Just like the message board is a PUBLIC message board and ANYONE can write anything they wish. This pg lady doesn't have a problem being rude and negative to anyone on the boards, why should you have to worry about it on your personal blog. What do you ladies always preach on the board..."If you don't like what someone posted, ignore it or don't respond...." Hypocrite much?

You've got support, trust me!

Anonymous said...

It makes me sad for you that you are in such a bad place that you don't seem to even know yourself or others. It makes no sense to me that you are willing to judge another woman's feelings surrounding reproduction when you scream so loudly not to be judged for your own.

I am truly sympathetic to anyone who has trouble conceiving, but you are truly one of the most pessimistic people I have ever heard of. You constantly seek sympathy which seems to just compound things. I am not used to you doing anything other than complain about some aspect of your life. Sometimes we need to count our blessings for what we DO have.

I have seen you complain about happy pregnant people, sad pregnant people, morning sick pregnant people, and on, and on. No one ever calls you out on how self righteous you sound when you do this (even on their private blogs). I am at least happy a few have spoken up here in defense of the hatred you have now thrown on another.

I understand the desire to make others want to hurt as badly as you do, but I also know that it really never works. I would urge you to look inside and try to rid yourself of how toxic your outlook is on the world.

Perhaps this incident will open YOUR eyes?

andbabybmakesthree said...

I find it interesting that nearly all of the comments critical of this post are posted anonymously. I think if you're going to criticize someone's opinions, at least make yourself known. Otherwise, I see it as cowardly and not fair to the person being criticized.

Is the writer wrong for thinking all this stuff? Of course not. This is her perception of the situation, this is how she sees this aspect of her world. Does she know the whole story of the pregnant former friend? Perhaps not, but what we present to others (like this pg girl is) is all that we have to go by sometimes, and often it doesn't paint people in a flattering light.

Hang in there, A!
D

Anonymous said...

I know who you are talking about and I totally agree. I can understand being devestated by an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy, but to go this long and never have anything positive to say. I don't think it would even be as much of an issue if the person was not so insensitive to everyone else. It seems like anytime someone else has a struggle she boasts her "everything is your own choice so don't complain attitude". I don't know this person IRL, but if her attitude is like this IRL and continues, I really hope the child never sees the resentment I do.

Anonymous said...

Unless you have an account with google/blogger etc., it's much easier and faster to post anonymously. Otherwise I think most people wouldn't have.

Dana said...

I don't think you owe anyone an apology. And I can't deny that I haven't had similar thoughts.

Anonymous said...

I have to say that I agree with you. Not once have a seen a happy or positive post. My other "worry" if you will is she seems to have it in her heard that they baby is a girl. Or at least that is what I have gathered from a few comments or posts she has made. What if it is a boy?

Anonymous said...

Of course, it is your right to post whatever you wish on YOUR blog. I think it's pretty uncool, however, to post a link to your blog on a message board that you both participate in knowing that people would know exactly to whom you were referring. You had to know that you were taking the gloves off when you made that move and I'm sure that you aren't surprised by some of the backlash that has occurred as a result.

I agree with some of the points you have made. I just wish that you had had this discussion either with her privately or out in the open on the message board instead of doing things in this backhanded way that makes you seem less than mature.

Anonymous said...

I know who you're talking about. She sucks.

Anonymous said...

I know I am way late interjecting my comments, but I feel like I just have to say something.. I don't understand how this self centered snot of a person has so many people backing her and calling her sweet. You Amber are a free thinker and a individual. This isn't High School. Stick up for the popular girl no matter what she does.
I've been in similar shoes. Yours are much bigger and you've been wearing them longer, but I've been close to where you are. I don't think it's possible for anyone that hasn't "been there done that" to even fathom the pain and questioning of life that goes on in the head of someone dealing with IF. Her comments have been rude and more than inappropriate. I think you have been more self controlled than I could possibly imagine. Once again, your words strike a cord. Hopefully, she will see the light and understand what a snot she is being and be truly happy for the gift that she is being given. If not, I think she should consider adoption herself.