Tuesday, May 27, 2008

the laziest infertile

Sometimes I wonder if I want it badly enough. I want it, boy do I want it. My arms ache with the weight of their own emptiness. My house seems quiet and cold, regardless of the number of cats and blankets I cram into it. I yearn for the connection I see between mothers and their children - his fingers tangled in his mother's hair, her toothless grin as soon as mommy walks into view. But for all the wanting and waiting (and poking and proding) I sometimes wonder if I don't try hard enough.

I've done my time. I've crammed a thermometer in my mouth immediately upon waking. Over the course of any given month I've peed on dozens of sticks, oodles of sticks. (Sometimes I'd pee on random long, white objects frantically searching for lines of any sort. Good thing the hubby gave up smoking!) I've examined mucous of every texture and color and recorded their slipperyness or lack thereof in a color coded chart. We've screwed on a schedule, whether we wanted to or not. I even gave up saliva during intercourse to stop his sad little sperm getting stuck upon entry. (So not only is our sex not spontaneous, it's often not very good either...)

And yet, I am a lazy infertile.

* I refuse to make any sort of change to my diet. I quit reading Inconceivable and The Infertility Cure immediately upon learning that french fries aren't in the fertile diet.

* I gave up charting the moment I started seeing an RE, whether on a medicated cycle or not. The excitement of a temp spike isn't enough of a high for me anymore.

* I don't take my stims/Lupron/progesterone at exactly the same minute every day. I don't go hours off schedule, but there is nothing precise about my timing. I even did my IVF trigger 15 minutes late. (I needed that extra time to whine and whimper about how big the needle was!)

* We don't do it 3 times a day during my fertile period. Even before our MFI it just wasn't going to happen. We felt really proud when we were doing it every other day for 2 weeks. And these days the bar is even lower - if we do it once within 48 hours of O I feel pretty good.

* I go through phases of not taking my prenatal vitamins.

There. I said it. Even though I'm a MTHFR I don't always get my full dose of folic acid. Yes, I'm a terrible mother already. But the thing is, emptying bottle after bottle of prenatal vitamins has become a cruel reminder of where we are and what we've gone through. The pills laugh at me - sneer at me. With each swallow I hear them mocking as they travel my esophagus. "Who do you think you are? You're not getting pregnant, lady. Buy the geriatric supplements - at least you have an outside chance of needing those someday!" And I know I'll regret my disobedience if I ever do wind up with an off-cycle BFP. I know I won't need one more thing to wonder and worry about. But when it feels like my body controls so much of my life with no regard for my feelings and desires, I can't help but get some perverse glee out of exerting some control over it. Reminding that damn uterus who's boss.

And then quietly pleading with it to work.


Busted said...

You know what I think? You are not lazy - you are human, and you are healthy. I think it's unhealthy to obsess too much about these things.

Particularly when you've been diagnosed by an RE, why torture yourself when you know you don't have "normal" chances each month? Why give up those last few things that can still make you happy (french fries)?

MOST people don't do any of those things you listed, and they got pregnant. In my view, the extra steps and discipline are mostly helpful in bringing back a feeling of control within the helplessness of IF, they aren't cures for diagnosed infertility.

P.S. - How immature am I that I STILL think "motherfucker" every time I see "MTHFR". Hehe.

seriously? said...

How happy I am to see this post. I just this morning was wondering if I want it badly enough. Sometimes I wonder if my sometimes fading lack of desire is the reason I don't have a baby yet.

I haven't filled my clomid perscription. Sex isn't fun and I am happy if we have it once my OPKs are positive sometimes. I also often forget my folic acid supplements and I have on occasion sneaked a smoke during my period (former smoker).

You aren't alone, I bet all of us slip up or doubt or desire from time to time. Thank you for sharing and leting me know I am not alone.

jp said...

I can relate to this (I think everyone can, if they are honest).

I've missed vitamins, blood pressure meds, folic acid (I am also a mthfr-homozygous or as busted said, a motherfucker).
I struggle to eat less sugar and more protein, but some days ice cream is the perfect dinner!

When I ask my RE about certain things he reminds me that desperate people will try anything (and yes, I am one of those desperate people, but also, a bit on the lazy or undisciplined side!)

Allison said...

I can relate to your post. But there are people who drink and smoke and don't go through any of this stuff who get pregnant everyday. SO being lazy every so often can't be a totally bad thing. I hear you with the french fries..they are my favorite food and I will never give them up. Thanks for this post. It makes me feel better knowing I am not alone in feeling this way too!

Pepper said...

I've long had delusions that I would be absolutely perfect if I ever did an IVF cycle: I'd eat right, lose ten pounds, cut out alcohol and caffeine, exercise. Blah, blah, blah.

Dude. I gave up caffeine, switched to whole milk, take my vitamins, and shoot up mostly on time. Perfect shmerfect.

I'm going to do better, though. Just wait...

SAHW said...

I guess I'm a lazy infertile too then...because I'm doing all the same things. I stopped temping when my doctor said that my previous charts show I'm O-ing so it's not necessary, I haven't changed my eating habits and have actually gained weight, I never bothered to get new pre-natals once I realized the ones I had been taking weren't vegetarian, and I definitely am not having enough sex during my fertile period...

But I think it's okay. It's hard to keep up with such a rigid, structured life-style sometimes. I am working on increasing the frequency thing though, even though I don't know about the others...

Emily said...

I love this post! I think we have all felt this way - LOL at the no saliva rule - been there done that!

DITTO Busted - I think the same thing! Tee-hee!