Monday, October 6, 2008

petri v. me

My heart ran away with my brains this past week.

Everything had been going so wonderfully, so *differently* from IVF #1. More than twice as many mature eggs retrieved, almost 3 times as many fertilized. Great fert reports, day after day after day. A 5 day transfer of 2 beautiful blasts, one of which was already beginning to hatch (and the other on which we performed assisted hatching).

The day prior to transfer we still had 5 morulas and multiple 12 and 10 cell embryos. We did some (admittedly very hopeful) math and figured we were certain to get some snowbabies out of the deal. We were a little surprised to learn on the day of transfer that they only expected one of our remaining blasts to make it into the freezer, but remained blindly optimistic that a few more might pull together and make the big chill.

When they didn't call yesterday with the frostie report I started to get a little nervous. And my fears were confirmed when this morning I learned that none of our original 11 embryos made it to the freeze.

In many ways this is no tragedy. I can't imagine we'd consider an FET with only one embryo anyway, and seeing as we'd paid for 2 fresh cycles in advance, we'd planned on doing another fresh first regardless. And yet, today, after this news, I feel fear and doubt and grief for the first time this cycle.

All I can wonder is how, if the embryos we left behind in the perfectly controlled lab were unable to survive, how will the 2 we have in my tempermental uterus have a fighting chance? We started with 12 and are down to 2. That's not a very good survival rate. I'm finding it difficult to put faith in our questionable DNA and my faulty organs.

I just don't know if they can turn this game around.

15 comments:

Seriously? - Erin said...

Hey there, have a little faith in your body. Try and keep positive, I know I am going to be thinking good thoughts for you!

womb for improvement said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry. I know thinking about next time already isn't that comforting but, next time...

eggorchicken said...

HUGS! And here's hoping your Ute surprises you...!!

x
Yvonne

Sarah said...

I am sorry that none of the embryos were able to be frozen, BUT they put the BEST two back into you. Just try to keep thinking that. Plus, your body is the ideal place for those two little embryos. I know it is a whole lot easier said than done, but try to stay positive during this week. Visualize what is happening in your body right now. Get a ton of rest and take it easy for the next few days. I will be following your blog to hear the outcome!

Harms said...

I hope those 2 blasts are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing in that silly ute of yours.

I am thinking lots of good thoughts for you.

kirke said...

I'm crossing everying that can be crossed for you!

Lisa said...

Hi - I am de-lurking to wish you the best of luck - this is an exhausting and emotional process. I hope the 2ww is nice to you. I am so sorry that none made it to freeze.

theworms said...

First of all, here's a BIG (((HUG)))

Your embies are back where they belong, your ute is way better than any petri. I can feel the hope leaving you, don't lose it. We're all praying, hoping and pulling for you Amber.

Message to your embies -
hold on tight little ones, mommy and daddy have dreamed, wished and hoped for you for so long. snuggle in for a nice long stay.

Lindsay said...

((Hugs)) I am so sorry to hear about your embies not making it. Take care of yourself and think good thoughts!

Emily said...

Sorry to hear about the frosties. That stinks. I am always sad for the ones that "weren't" too.

I am happy to hear about the 2 perfect embies snuggling in right now though! GL, GL, GL!! Thinking of you!

Lindsay said...

I'm going to email you, not enough room here.

Delia said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you guys! Have faith...it sometimes works.

this one said...

Sorry for the bum news. Like other commenters said, your uterus is a better place than the lab, perfectly controlled or not.

I'm hopeful for you this time and hope you feel more encouraged soon.

Jessatsea said...

oh sweetness... as the others have said... have faith. Your little embies are right where they NEED to be. Your body is doing what it needs to be doing... multiplying and settling in.

hugs! rest! watch tv and knit!
love you!

Kymberli said...

(((BIG HUGS))) The best two are in you - those are the ones that matter.

Just know that I'm thinking about you.