Tuesday, October 7, 2008

delightfully tacky

As I'm nearing the end of my second IVF cycle (and have suffered through more than 30 2ww in total) I feel as though I'm qualified to give a bit of advice:

If, when showering, you remark on how your stomach really looks pregnant, that the bloat is still so pronounced you could easily be parking in the expectant mothers spots...

If, after putting on scrubs, you notice that your ass has expanded so incredibly during the past few months that you're suffering a visible panty line in SCRUBS...

If, while noticing your visible panty line, you also see that your ass seems to have gotten not just wider but also markedly saggier during the months of drugs and comfort food...

If you find yourself continually picking and popping the zits that march across your jaw line more faithfully than penguins march to the sea and back...

If you're on that godforsaken PCOS diet with a husband tisk tisking over your shoulder every time you even think about picking up a cookie (while he dines on a baked potato, the rat bastard)...

If all of the above is true and you find yourself with a craving for hot wings (and are proud because while fat-tastic naked wings are carb-free and therefore on the PCOS Diet According to Amber) DO NOT under any circumstances walk your giant, seemingly pregnant belly, your fat panty-lined and saggy ass and your pockmarked and mountainous chin into Hooters to satisfy your craving.

All the wings in the world won't fix that hurt. Not when served by tight, taut, tall tits in tank tops.

6 comments:

Lisa said...

Amber - thanks for the laugh, I really needed one. I really hope that your last 2ww was your last unsuccessful one.

Tiffany said...

Hahah... too funny and SO true. I have the bloat going on and haven't even started stims yet. Hoping your wait ends soon with fantastic news.

womb for improvement said...

Nice alliteration at the end.

And to shamelessly plunder and distort Mr Kipling:

If you can keep your head and humour,
When all you can do is take ovulation drugs,
If you can accept the unwanted physical reminders with forbearance,
And ignore the hooters-types
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Mum, my dear!

Good luck.

Harms said...

Sweetness, I will bring you wings every day if that is what your heart desires.

Jill said...

Amber-This is hilarious! Gotta love the significant bload post ER/ET. I hope that this is your last 2ww for a very long time (9 months would be great!). Good luck to you!

G said...

LMAO - you are so spot-on it's hilarious. although i never did venture into hooters, post-IVF or otherwise... way too scary for me.

i am thinking of you every day beautiful - i feel so incredibly positive for you - you are doing awesome!!