Friday, September 5, 2008

a little patience

I cannot wait until next Thursday when I pop my last birth control pill (hopefully for a very long time). 6 straight weeks of BCPs and I'm ready to get rid of the acne and the bloat.

I cannot wait until the following Monday when I start stims - even if those "stims" will inititally be (the confusing and anti-climactic) Clomid. Clomid that will no doubt bring about acne and bloat.

I cannot wait until 4 days later when I start real stims - hamster ovaries and nun pee, straight to my abdomen.

I cannot wait until I hear that our big, plump and numerous follicles are ready to trigger - not because one runaway is threatening to ruin it for everyone, but because they are all mature and ready to make babies.

I cannot wait until I'm bent over the kitchen counter, my husband standing behind me with that inch and a half needle aimed right for my ass.

I cannot wait until I wake up from anesthesia to hear how many beautiful, textbook quality eggs were retreived. And I can't wait for the long day of napping and gatorade that will follow.

I cannot wait until the phonecall that tells me how many fertilized, how they're growing and that we're definitely doing a 5 day transfer.

I cannot wait until the moment when my husband stands at my side, grasping my hand as we watch on the ultrasound screen as our babies are sent home.

I cannot wait until I am waited on hand and foot. We wouldn't want to upset any precious embryos with chores or cooking. And just to be sure they're feeling safe and sound, their daddy will caress my bruised abdomen and tell them through layers of fat (and bloat) how much he loves them.

I cannot wait until I experience an entire 14 day luteal phase without a single smear of blood, for the first time ever.

I cannot wait until the phone call that changes our life - for the good - and tells us that maybe this time we will finally become parents. Even if it does mean another 2 months of shots in the butt.

I cannot wait until we see our baby(s), bright and healthy, on the ultrasound screen for the first time.

I cannot wait until I use the doppler on my own belly, in my own home with my husband at my side and hear the woosh-woosh-woosh of life growing inside.

I cannot wait to watch the trimesters fall behind me as my belly grows big and healthy before me.

I cannot wait until we learn if we're having boy(s) or girl(s) and to watch my future change before my very eyes to adjust to this new reality of our growing family.

I cannot wait until I feel flutters, pinches, kicks and rolls from inside, knowing their personalities before anyone else can even imagine who they are. Until my husband, too, can feel them; know them.

I cannot wait until I'm struggling in my own labor, learning that things don't always go as planned (but sometimes do). My man will be at my side, comforting, coaching in a way that only he can.

I cannot wait to hear that first scream as a wet, bloody and very confused new person is brought into this big world.

I cannot wait to meet my child(ren), placed squirming and pink on my chest after my husband cuts the cord connecting them to me.

I cannot wait to get home and wonder what in god's name we've done and how we're possibly going to do this. And then we'll do it, day in and day out, better and better as it gets easier (and sometimes harder).

I cannot wait until milestones are reached: they'll smile and roll over and sit and stand.

I cannot wait until reaching hands and tiny fingers torture the cats. I can't wait...but the cats can.

I cannot wait until I hear my name - the only name I've ever known in my heart - spoken by my baby. Mommy.

I cannot wait for first days of daycare, first days of school, first loose teeth, first friends, first fights.

I cannot wait to watch them grow bigger, grow up, grow away from me as they become their own individual selves. Selves who sometimes just need their mom.

I cannot wait to to live all the moments I've been imaginging my whole life. And to experience all the experiences that I never could've known were to come.

I cannot wait for any of it. But I will. I'll wait as long as it takes.

22 comments:

Leslee said...

Thank you for this beautiful post. It's like you've transcribed my heartbeats.

Leslee
babyattheend.blogspot.com

eggorchicken said...

What a beautiful post. You've depicted everything so perfectly.

It will come. I hope and pray that it happens soon.

x
Yvonne

Emily said...

Amber,

You have me in tears once again... Every woman who has been down this long, dark and lonely road can relate to this post.

I am wishing and hoping that this is the beginning of the rest of your life as Mommy!

Ophelia said...

I hope the wait is shorter than it seems and time flies by to your sticky bean! GL hun!

Alison said...

You just made me so teary! Your words sure hit home with me.

You're a great writer--thank you for your blog.

Niki said...

What a beautiful post! We will all wait ever so patiently (or so impatiently) together! Best wishes to you!

theworms said...

If you keep making me cry, I'm not coming back :)
Once again you managed to take what I'm feeling and put it into words. You have a real gift Amber.

I will be here waiting with you and I cannot wait until I get to say Congratulations to you.

The Johnson's said...

Ok, seriously - water works for me too.

What a beautiful post and very well put. Can't wait to see your BFP post - until then I'll be cheering you on.

Tarah

Murgdan said...

There's just so much waiting...I cannot wait either. Excellently put.

Jill said...

Perfectly written - you deserve all of this, and you WILL have it. Good luck this cycle - I'll be cheering for you!
(jem04)

Harms said...

That was perfect. I cannot wait for you to have your dreams.

Off to dry my tears.

Genevieve said...

I hope with all the energy in my body that your wait time is up. Keep shooting yourself up with all the strange fruits and hydroginized nun pee extracts that medical science can throw at you. We want to hear those magic words.
I miss you. and I still adore you. and your bruised and poked belly.

JenM said...

As always, you have such a beautiful way of expressing everything you write, that so many of us wish for and have been waiting for.

Enjoy the steps, and I hope this is it for you.

Sarah said...

Your post just made me cry. I am txamu01 from the nest and I am beyond thrilled that you are actually seeing Dr. Roach and doing an IVF with her. I will be praying for you and hopefully this cycle will be the one that youare waiting for.

Pepper said...

Reading this post is almost like reading everything I should visualize during meditation. Brilliant.

Hang in there. The time will go by more quickly than it seems.

jillgeorge said...

This is such a beautiful post that brought tears to my eyes. I am hoping with all I can that this IVF is successful. Best of luck to you, and thank you for sharing your wonderful writing.

theworms said...

Please have a little patience with me, I tagged you on my blog.

Echloe said...

Wiping away the tears.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Inspirational.

Penny said...

I hope you can start checking off those milestones soon.

SmartOne said...

So beautiful. I can't wait until you don't have to wait anymore.

Jessatsea said...

I can't wait....


for you!