Monday, November 24, 2008

human trampoline

There is a girl in New York City
Who calls herself The Human Trampoline
And sometimes when I'm falling, flying, tumbling in turmoil
I think "whoa, so this is what she means"
She means we're bouncing into Graceland


-Paul Simon, Graceland


Good news: Last Wednesday I woke up officially more pregnant than I'd ever been. My chemical pregnancies ended before the pee dried on the stick and my stickiest pregnancy lasted to just 9w1d. On Wednesday, at 9w2d, I felt relieved that we'd crossed a bridge into unknown pregnancy territory and simultaneously terrified that I didn't know where I'd find myself on the other side of that bridge. Would I reach this milestone, only to soon find myself in grief once again over life lost or would I really be venturing into the true wilderness of parenthood, finally birthing a baby I'd dreamt of for so long? My whole life felt laid out in front of me that morning, as opposed to the previous 9 weeks, when I felt I was tethered to my past.

Bad news: That same morning, at 9w2d, I went to use the bathroom in the morning and glanced (as I have for the duration of this and every pregnancy) at the toilet paper, looking for but not expecting to see blood. My toilet paper searches while still a constant have become much less determined, much more flippant. 5 trips to the bathroom every day for 5 weeks and not a single spot of blood, it's only normal to lighten up a bit...but not enough, apparently. Because last Wednesday, more pregnant than ever before, I found myself bleeding. Nothing to write home about (nothing to even write on blog about), but present nonetheless: little speckles of dark reddish-brown blood. I laughed out loud and actually said "you've got to be kidding me" as I sat, ass exposed on the cold hard seat, and decided whether to panic.

Good news: I didn't panic. I realized that it was such a small amount, such a minor event that it didn't warrant a full blown terror. I debated whether to tell my husband, whether to explore the issue any further, and considered flushing the toilet, walking away and forgetting I'd ever seen anything. But I couldn't do that. I knew that rather than forget, my unwillingness to acknowledge the scare would lead to a scary week ahead as I waited for my OB appointment. So I decided to come clean with my husband - calmly, rationally - and hoped that he too would decide not to panic.

Bad news: He didn't panic, but I could tell he couldn't brush it off either. We forced ourselves into a lighthearted discussion as to how best to handle it. I'd been released to an OB exactly 3 weeks prior, but was miserable in his care. We'd decided not to return to him and I'd booked an appointment with a new doctor for 10w2d. But since I hadn't seen her yet either, I didn't know where to turn for reassurance.

Good news: I have the greatest RE in the city (and I feel like I can comment, considering I've seen 4 of them over the course of our treatments). A woman who always made me feel cared about and listened to in every respect. And although I hadn't been her "responsibility" for 3 weeks she offered to sneak me in for a quick ultrasound, just to reassure me that everything was ok.

Bad news: Have you ever noticed that even when one is decidedly not panicked, knowing that a definitive answer is forthcoming can deliver fear faster than Dominos delivers pizza? Cool, collected Amber was lost when faced with an ultrasound - hopeful that the spotting was as insignificant as I believed, but fearful that I had again begun the beginning of the end.

Good news: The probe inserted and adjusted to find the sac, a baby appeared on the screen. Still, but with heart beating strong and fast (178bpm). The doctor and I sat, both relieved, and stared at a beating blob, her with pride in her voice and me with tears in my eyes. I would've been happy at that moment to jump off the table, I didn't want to take another moment of her time and I knew now that for now the baby was safe. But my RE wanted me to feel not only safe, but happy. And spent 10 minutes letting me gaze at the precious little one, noticing arms and legs as I'd seen in my twin pregnancy, but for the first time also a spine. My baby has a spine! And soon I realized that s/he knows how to use it. Next thing I knew s/he was twisting and twirling as much as my insides had done in the hours leading up to this ultrasound. And to know that still 2 hearts beat in my body, to see hands I haven't yet held and feet I haven't yet tickled...to see our baby on the screen wiggling as if to assure me that all is well. Well, are there any words?

Bad news: My husband, trapped at work, didn't get to see any of it.

31 comments:

Genevieve said...

there are no words. just happy happy tears of joy for you, my sweet.
178bpm huh? fast heartbeat...I'm thinkin' girl.(gotta love those old wives tails)

I can't wait to run my fingers up and down that little spine.

I'm just so happy for you.

Pepper said...

Whoa, what a scare! I'm glad your RE got you in for a scan; definitely worth it to help ease your mind.

Emily said...

Holy Moly! You have had one heck of a week. I am sooooo happy that everything is ok. What a wonderful RE you have.
What a treat to be able to see your bean bouncin around!
Congrats on your big milestone!

Mermaid said...

Wow, that is such a relief. I'm so happy for you. I'm sorry your dh didn't get to experience that! Your RE is one of a kind.

womb for improvement said...

Phew.

Keep it up.

Emily said...

Congratulations on your glorious ultrasound!

K @ ourboxofrain said...

I'm so sorry for the scare but thrilled to read the good news! I'm so glad your RE was able to see you and give you such an awesomely reassuring ultrasound. Hooray!

Michelle said...

That is so AWESOME. I was scared there for a moment reading this but I am glad for the happy ending. I hope this continues for a wonderful and uneventful 9 months.

Jessatsea said...

OH Amber... now *I* have tears!!! I am so excited to see your spine! :-D

I love you and ... I am just so happy!

Amy C said...

Oh...so glad everything is fine! I love our RE :-) You got to see arms and legs...amazing!!!

theworms said...

That was quite a rollercoaster but I'm so glad your little one is doing so well, Thank God. I'm so happy you got to spend some time admiring him/her and your RE is great.

Echloe said...

Whoa. I had to skip ahead to the bottom of that post. My heart was racing for you. Thank God your baby is o.k. I'm glad you got to see him/her on the ultrasound screen.

SMK said...

I am so happy for you! So sorry your hubby missed that moment but I am thrilled that you got to experience it! Bouncin Baby Bean! I love it! Take care of yourself and the baby.

Dreams Come True said...

I'm so glad that 1. your RE was so happy to fit you in for the extra just-to-be-sure u/s and 2. that she let you just sit there looking at your little one! Congratulations.

Kelli said...

Whew! I had to skip to the end as well. I was seriously holding my breath for you. Thank Goodness everything is still good with your little one. And since my son had a very fast heartbeat, I'm thinking boy. =-)

almond said...

I am so very happy for you.

CTagsGirl said...

Wow. What a rollercoaster! So happy to hear that you have a medical professional who's ready to take care of you in the manner which you deserve! Glad that you and the little bean are doing well.

I'm currently 11 weeks and could completely identify with the daily TP "inspection" routine. Hang in there, Amber. You're doing awesome.

Harms said...

It is a good thing I already knew about all of this before I read it or I would have been having a full blown panic attack.

BTW - I agree with Genevieve - totally a girl.

Seriously? - Erin said...

Glad that everything turned out ok! I hate when my husband has to miss visits, most of them aren't really that exciting for us anymore (no more scans).

I know the heart rate thing is an old wives tale, my little one's heart rate was above 150 through week 22 and he's a boy :)

ICLW

mylifechronicles said...

Wow... that was a scare. Glad that everything turned out to be fine. It must have been an amazing ten minutes to stare and enjoy your lil' bean!

Jennifer said...

I LOVE YOUR POSTS! They are great!!! I am happy for you- that you saw you baby's heartbeats but dismayed that the hubby didn't see. :(

sara said...

I'm so glad things are hanging in there! I'm so sorry you've had this scare during this pregnancy though - here's to smooth sailing ahead!

WiseGuy said...

Am so happy that it worked out well for you. Take good care of yourself!

g said...

So sorry you had that scare.. I know the feeling (check out my blog) I too recently had such a scare and am still enduring the hesitations... Its such a great feeling to get in for a scan and see that lil heart beating! oh what a relief it is.. big hugs to you.. wishing you all the best!

ICLW

Cara said...

Whew- You had me on a rollercoaster ride there!!!

I'm breathing a great sigh of relief here too.

Clio said...

I love the way you told the story... very thrilling... with a very happy ending!
congratulations! Sending you thoughts for a healthy pregnancy all the way!

Sam said...

oh, what an up and down post that was! And if that's how I feel, then goodness knows how you must have felt.

I am so pleased for you that you got to see a twisty, twirly baby who knows how to bend that spine!!

Cassandra said...

Phew. Glad that everything is looking good. Here's to new milestones.

Graceland is one of my favorite songs of all time, but I never knew quite what to make of that verse -- as a kid I thought it had something to do with prostitution (yes, I was an unusually worldly child). I think it is starting to make more sense now.

Coincidentally, I finished a post about song lyrics just a few minutes ago.

Happy last day of ICLW!

Kymberli said...

I am so, so, happy for you. I knew that everything would end well, but I still had my heart in my throat through all the Good News/Bad News. Your RE is a true gem - I love her. :)

I left a couple of things for you over on my blog!

Kim said...

Great news on the ultrasound! Very hppy for you that you gout to spend some extra time gazing at your wee one.

ashley said...

I too, like you, could always get pregnant very easily, So I understand the anxiety you feel when the pregnancy occurs. Conrgatulations on getting past your milestone. That in itself must be such a huge relief. Congrats and keep us posted!