Friday, August 15, 2008

trial (transfers) and tribulations

I have a pretty impressive bladder. So impressive, in fact, that I usually pee right when I wake up in the morning and then not again until I get home in the evening. Five days after I started work at an office building (about a million years ago) I found myself with my underwear deep in my crack and no safe place in which to extricate it. So I asked my boss where the restroom was. She simply could not believe that I'd gone an entire week without needing a daytime piss. (What is more amazing is that I'd gone that long without a wicked wedgie.)

Even a woman with a bladder of steel finds some difficulty on the day of the Trial Transfer, though. The words "drink 48 oz. of water in the 2 hours leading up to your appointment" strike fear in the heart of many, myself included. However, I cannot help but try and be an overachieving patient and so I dutifully down my 48 oz. And then some.

I took myself out to my favorite breakfast joint this morning, prior to my transfer appointment. On the way there I drank an entire bottle of Evian, filling myself so much that I was unable to finish my waffle. (Wait, did I say waffle? Me, on the no processed carbs PCOS diet? No. Surely I meant "eggwhite only omelet". Yes. Omelet.) Although I couldn't shove down that "omelet", I did manage to consume large quantities of coffee and a glass of squeezed-before-my-very-eyes orange juice. And not wanting to find myself with a bladder improperly inflated I requested another glass of o.j. for the road.

On the 45 minute drive to the doctor's office I had a sudden realization. I had to pee, yes, but I was also experiencing a certain "unsettled" feeling in a nearby region. Somehow I'd forgotten that coffee can sometimes make me "uncomfortable" and when you add in Metformin, well, terrible tragedies could result. By the time I arrived at the office there was a definite rumbling that I tried my best to ignore. I couldn't use the bathroom - I don't know if you ladies are more talented than I, but if I let loose on one area the other is bound to follow, and I needed that brimming bladder! So I crossed my legs and hoped for the best. If things go well there is a damn good chance that in 10 months time I will find myself crapping on a table in front of a team of doctors. OBs expect that sort of thing and I have no reason to suspect I will be immune. (Although remind me not to drink coffee (decaf, of course) past 36 weeks.) However, I don't think an RE is quite as accustomed to witnessing her patient's bowel movements up close and personal.

A few moments after I undressed and gingerly positioned myself on the table the doctor entered (which was welcome after I waited THREE HOURS with a full bladder for Dr. Who to bless me with her presence during my first Trial Transfer). The nurse accompanying her grabbed the ultrasound probe and while I would ordinarily be grateful for the abdominal u/s, as opposed to the vag cam, having a big flat wand pressed on your belly while you desperately need to pee (and in my case, shit myself) is less than optimal.

But I made it. I even managed to crack a joke about how well the spotlight shining on my crotch highlighted my ridiculously unshaven legs. (They told me they wouldn't have noticed if I didn't mention it, but that now my chart would be branded with a giant "DOES NOT SHAVE" stamp. I told them I didn't mind, I was paying them so I'd come as hairy as I liked. We all had a good chuckle.) After learning that my ute doesn't ask for a secret handshake to enter (I told you I was a whore) and that I am a textbook-easy transfer, I was finally allowed to head to the bathroom. And in just another example of why I love this clinic, they told me that the restroom was just around the corner and that if I was desperate I should just wrap the sheet around me and run down the hall. No one would mind. And they were serious! God, I love this place.

I do. I love this new doctor and her office and her staff. I love the personal attention they offer. Except when that personal attention means waiting outside the door to the tiny (stall-free) restroom so they could show me to the consult room when I was finished. Ordinarily that would be a welcome and thoughtful gesture, but when one plans to violently abuse the bowl and cannot control what sounds or smells might escape...well, a bit of space would have been appreciated. So I sat down and doing my best to contain the beast, I let a trickle run. That was the longest pee in history. I knew that if I forced it at all there would be no control over the nether regions, so I just let gravity do it's work. I swear it was 10 minutes before the last drop hit the water. But I escaped without any further breaches and the nurse dutifully waiting outside was none the wiser. Damn, I'm good.


On a *much* *much* more exciting note than my bathroom escapades, guess who is officially knocked up?! My fairy godmother, Gretchen, had her beta today after IVF #2: 240! Two hundred and forty! At 14 dpo! That girl is so having twins and it couldn't happen to a nicer person. Go congratulate the new mom-to-be!

In other fantastic news, our dear Busted transferred a sibling of the Doodles this morning in her first FET. Send all the implanting/dividing/growing vibes you've got her way!

Let's make Spring '09 beautiful!


Alexandra said...

I remember every bit of that p.....ressure like it was yesterday.

Are you PUPO now then? Congrats if so!!!

Emily said...

LOL as usual!!! Hope your rumbly-tumbly has subsided :

It was a beautiful day in our world with Gretchen and Kathy, wasn't it?

Penny said...

Having been blessed with a tiny bladder, I at least have the advantage of being able to fill mine up about 10 minutes after I chug a drink. So I never "prepare" much. It was a learning experience, though. I couldn't imagine waiting 3 hours.

JenM said...

Sounds like you were an overachiever on the liquid ;-) I have had the same problem with one thing will lead to another, so I feel your pain!

Glad the trial went well.

Leslee said...

I have no idea what it's like to not have to pee every hour or so. I know where every public bathroom is in town. I am always flabbergasted when my husband can hold it for the 4 hour drive to our REs office... I have to beg him to stop, and I mean BEG. For one of our frozen transfers (sad I can't remember which one), the lab had a water leak and I had to wait in the lobby for almost 2 hours before they took me back. It was WRETCHED. I kept going to the bathroom to let out "just a little" and by the time I got called I couldn't stand up straight. Thankfully the RE catheterized me (never thought I'd say that statement) as soon as he was done.

Amen to the "hair down there" situation you've found yourself in. I don't do much to that particular area as far as beautifying goes, and I've always wanted to ask the nurses but haven't had the guts.

Sorry for the novel of a comment. Thanks for the smiles this morning :D


Isn't it pretty to think so said...

Oh...laughing so hard I'm going to pee all over myself...

Lindsay said...

I just had my trial of transfer today with the same doc. They were great but I guess I am an overachiever and my bladder was TOO full. She gave me a cup and said I could fill it up and then stop peeing! I looked at her like she was crazy! It went great though and I start IVF#2 in 3 wks!