Thursday, June 26, 2008

follow the signs

For as long as I can remember my family commented on my hips. Big, wide, open. I don't think they came with puberty - I feel as though they've been there always. Being as my mother made snide comments about them through some very formative years, my self-consciousness always swelled and hovered around my full hips. Teenage years spent staring in the mirror, wishing for less. At some point, long before I was in a baby making place (long before I even did the deed that makes babies for most people), I decided to shed (most) of my awkwardness about my hips. They weren't big - they were "breeding" hips. And although this label was always said tongue firmly placed in cheek, this new mantra helped. To know that my body was built to do what my heart was born to do. Mother.

During one of my early experiences in the stirrups, in a routine well-woman exam, I finally built up the courage to ask about my excess of "discharge". I thought I was a freak, the amount of goo that sprung forth, and I needed the doctor to assure me that my junk wasn't broken. I thought I was probably the only woman on the planet to deal with the incessant wetness, regardless of arousal. Much like Peggy related in "Waiting for Daisy" I learned that my mucous wasn't a curse but a blessing of fertility. I believe the doctor even used the term "gorgeous". And she assured me I'd have no problem getting pregnant when I wanted to.

I've been lucky in our infertility in that ovulating was never our issue. Bleeding, miscarriage, sparse and stupid sperm, yes, but releasing eggs was something we were good at. Imagine my surprise when (at 28 years old with ideal b/w) I produced a measly 9 follicles with 5 mature eggs during IVF. I'd thought I'd be a freakin' salmon, producing enough roe to fill the rivers of Washington. But I settled for being a chicken, just a few eggs at a time.

I'm spotting now, no doubt the beginning of the end of my second cycle after IVF #1, and the gorgeous mucous that I was assured meant glorious fertility is nowhere to be seen. The same pasty whiteness every single day of this cycle, without a hint of the "eggwhites" I'd come to expect. I haven't temped or pee'd on sticks to look for the O - with MFI like ours it feels like an insult to spend the $30 on OPKs - but I'm beginning to wonder if IVF stole my healthy O in addition to my IF naivety. Or is it just my CM that IVF lead astray? Either way, oh Mistress InVitro, can I please have it back?

Did anyone else find their O or their EWCM go missing after a failed IVF cycle? Help?


RM said...

I can't speak to your IVF question because I've never done it. But I can absolutely relate to looking at my 'motherly' body (round belly, big tatas) and wondering how these goods can't produce a living baby. If I was destined to a future of IF and miscarriage, then why couldn't I have at least enjoyed a lithe body in return?!

Amber said...

Sorry, I've never had much of any EWCM. So IVF didn't change much of anything for me.

Pepper said...

I'm not really sure about IVF's effects on EWCM, but I wouldn't be surprised if it took a few cycles for your body to return to normal. IVF hijacks your cycle, your ovaries swell, your hormones are out of whack. It's almost like a trauma and your body needs time to recover.

this one said...

oymygosh, I just posted about my child bearing hips as well. Post twin!

Leslee said...

I'm delurking. Sorry about the failed IVF. So so sorry.

Yes, my cm has been all wonky since IVF, then the FETs, then the donor IUIs. I seem to have one day of fertile cm whereas before I had several days in a row of it. My menses has also changed now... the last day of my period is the heaviest.

Wish you luck,